As an avid film writer, I feel it is my civic duty to announce my predictions before the Academy Awards air this evening. I’ll get right to it…
Best Picture
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Snore shouldn’t even be in the running in this category, so we can nix that one right away. I predict The Artist will get nudged out by a miniscule amount, which will surely cause an uproar.
Projected winner: The Help
Actor in a Leading Role
While I would give my right arm to see Gary Oldman take home the title, I think we all know it’s unfortunately not going to happen.
Projected winner: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Actress in a Leading Role
In a perfect world, my lady crush Michelle Williams would take home the Oscar, but sadly we don’t live in a perfect world. I predict Meryl will be going home a loser tonight as well, which only happens… well, hardly ever.
Projected winner: Viola Davis, The Help
Actor in a Supporting Role
If at any point in time tonight Jonah Hill is standing on a stage in front of a microphone holding a tiny statue that looks like a naked man, I will lose my shit.
Projected winner: Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Actress in a Supporting Role
I’m no math whiz, but seeing as how two women from The Help are nominated in this category, the film has a good chance. However, I might be leaning toward Ms. Spencer.
Projected winner: Octavia Spencer, The Help
Animated Feature Film
Really, Kung Fu Panda 2? Am I reading this correctly?
Projected winner: Rango
Cinematography
I kind of want The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo to win every category it’s nominated for, but I’m not so sure that’ll happen here.
Projected winner: Hugo
Art Direction
As long as Harry Potter gets nothing this evening, I will be a happy camper.
Projected winner: Hugo
Costume Design
Same goes for W.E., the film written, directed and produced by Madonna. Yes, I said Madonna.
Projected winner: The Artist
Directing
Woody Allen and Marty Scorsese might be left in tears tonight.
Projected winner: Michael Hazanavicius, The Artist
Film Editing
We can’t let The Artist win everything, now, can we? (Seriously, it’s like people have never seen a black and white silent film before the year 2011).
Projected winner: Hugo
Music (Original Score)
Despite what I just said above…
Projected winner: The Artist
Music (Original Song)
Because how can a cartoon bird accept this award?
Projected winner: “Man or Muppet,” The Muppets
Sound Editing
BECAUSE THIS MOVIE DESERVED TO BE NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE, NOT EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY DUMB.
Projected winner: Drive
Sound Mixing
A movie from the Transformers franchise, are we serious?
Projected winner: Hugo, even though I’m the only person on the planet not interested in this movie
Visual Effects
Again, Transformers and Harry Potter are in this category. Gag me.
Projected winner: The Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
Sorry Clooney, not today.
Projected winner: Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash, The Descendants
Writing (Original Screenplay)
Honestly, I think I’m one of few who doesn’t see how Bridesmaids is a huge step forward for women in film. Like, am I missing some part of that movie that had cinematic value or an air of substance? I really don’t see how Sookie from “Gilmore Girls” taking a dump in a sink is revolutionary for females in film. Rant over.
Projected winner: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
On a final note, I trust Billy Crystal will do a better job serving as host than stoned James Franco and poor Anne Hathaway fared last year.
See who the winners are tonight, when the 84th Annual Academy Awards air on ABC, starting at 8:30 p.m.
Be sure to follow my Twitter tonight, where I’ll be sharing the winners and everything Oscars.
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